Recordings of Gianna’s Family: Part Four – Vinny
April 1st, 2015. Living room.
Mom, I’m leaving you this message on your computer. You’re asleep right now. I just have a lot on my mind, and it’s better that I put it all here, because I’d screw it up in person. We can talk about this later and everything, but I just gotta get everything out.
So I know I said I was fine earlier when I told you about the break up, but, I wasn’t. I mean, I’m pulling through, but I’m not fine. I was just being polite because I know you got bad news yesterday and obviously, your stuff is more important, but this is just eating at me. Again, I can tell you more when we talk, but… I don’t know. I think I might have made a mistake.
So I know I told you a little bit about what’s going on, but to clarify: Darcy’s in drama club. It takes up a lot of her time, she’s like, 4th billed in the new play. And there’s this guy she’s always talking to. I don’t think he liked her that way, the more I think about it, but I was paranoid. Here was this guy spending more time with my girlfriend than me. It’s kind of weird. She wanted me to join Drama club with her, but I have a job, so I couldn’t. Which- how much does my job really help? I mean, you’re a doctor, and Nancy’s got a job. Just a thought, that doesn’t really have anything to do with this.
And- [sighs]. I feel really bad about this, but she knows everything about our home life. I don’t think she’ll tell anyone, but still, that’s an ex that knows everything. That’s kind of how we got together, actually. Her parents were divorcing, so we had kind of similar parental issues. Well, not exactly, but you know.
But it just feels like everyone at our school is in a relationship to say, “oh, I’m dating someone. people like me. I’m cool”. This wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like “oh, you’re cute. Let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend”. It was something else. I feel like I screwed it up.
I don’t know. She doesn’t know it’s spreading, so don’t worry.
And… ok, this is gonna sound kind of petty, but, I mean, I got dumped on the day your cancer spread. Everyone was worried about you. I told Nancy we broke up and she said she was sorry, but…
It just feels like- and I know I’m not a reject, so I’m not trying to make myself out like one- I just feel like something’s missing. Not even Darcy, just, like, this thing I can’t get a hold of. It’s been there for a while. Um…
Ok. Give me a second, I’m gonna think of how to word this.
Alright. [nervous sigh] When Dad was alive, he would always yell at me for stuff. I know it’s just because he was the no-BS parent. That’s fine. But at the end of the day, I could always talk to you. And, after Dad died, that just seemed to go away. You’re around Nancy eighty percent of the time now, before and during the cancer. I get that she’s got a lot on her plate, but I’m just starting to feel kind of disconnected. The only adult in our family who seems to want to talk to me is Aunt Stacy.
I know I’m not an adult yet, but I feel like I should be treated like one. I’ve gone through more crap than most adults do. I’m getting pretty tired of it.
And Arianna heard what you said, also. After that fight. She did a bad thing, but she’s gonna remember hearing that the rest of her life.
She started asking me questions, like- “what’s a sociopath? Am I really that bad?” I can’t answer that stuff! I’m not a psychiatrist!
I know you’re under a lot of stress, but that was like…. No one in this family forgets things. I hear crap brought up from years ago at the dinner table. All the time. When you beat this, and you found a new boyfriend 10 years from now, Ari’s gonna bring up how you called her a sociopath and try to ruin the relationship. Trust me on that.
And for the record, the girl she made the twitter page for spread a rumor about Ari. Remember when she asked you what a lesbian was, then you told her, then she stormed out of the room? Well… yeah. Now, the fact that she planned this for 6 months and sort of just waited to serve it cold… that’s a problem. Maybe it is sociopathic. But at least wait until you know that, like talk to a psychiatrist.
Talking to the computer’s not gonna help. I hear you doing it all the time.
Ok, I think that’s everything. Again, I still think you’re gonna beat this thing. You can yell at Ari for 20 minutes straight, so it can’t be destroying you. Just, um, you know. Talk to me. I’m kind of lost right now.
And, um… I know you tell me that I’m being really good throughout this whole thing. Handling it better than the rest of the family. And I wanna say I appreciate that because sometimes, I just feel dead inside. Losing dad took… it took a lot out of me. I know you never saw it but I was in my room crying for 6 hours when everyone else was gone one day. It’s really hard, and… and I think I just don’t like seeing the rest of my family lash out all the time, so I keep it inside. Maybe that’s why she left me. I never really told her how worried I was.
I just don’t want you to die. We’re all screwed without you.
I’m done for real now.
next chapter: Recordings of Gianna’s Family: Part Five – Gianna/Stacy
previous chapter: Recordings of Gianna’s Family, Part Three – Nancy
all chapters: Recordings of Gianna’s Family
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