Indecision Den

Introspective Poem

Introspective Poem

 

Here I am again
Thinking yes, saying no
Staying here
Wanting to go

Stuck.
Again.
In this indecision den
Stuck in fear of possible growth
and change
and expanding my range
of experience and knowing
how to navigate
a world without self-hate

What am I without
my tendency to self-berate
in moments when I fail
in moments when I don’t
reach the standards I set so high?

What will happen when I let go
of this deepening show
I play to myself that helps
keep me on my toes

I start to think the impossible ideal
a probable occurrence,
tricking my soul into self-assurance
that the best possible decision
is just one more step away in self-denial,
self trial, self-one-more-mile in pain-and-I-deserve-to-smile,

no. for in such trial
is denial of the true self
that can love the self
and the closest others
without smothering
or over-mothering
the bumps, bruises and pains
caused by this idealistic brain

why set an unreachable bar
of perfection that only saints
may reach in their resurrection?

but if I can’t reach it, I might as well not try, right?

 

more by A. M. LAINE

photograph by Stefan Kunze

 

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