Be Wary of Wishes – Part Three
I just don’t feel comfortable enough sharing with anyone what Nolan has just told me. The past few days he has been behaving in such a strange manner. I never felt that I truly knew or understood him, and I somehow always figured that he had something that he was hiding. But still I went with him that night, just because I needed some form of stimulation in my indifferent life. And now I am fighting with myself on whether or not I will eventually share what’s in these entries with the police department. For now all I can manage to do is keep this between my lover and I, and this journal. For starters, I am finding it difficult to believe that he could be involved in a series of murders that don’t appear to have any connection to him. He even admits that he has no motive for his involvement, yet he does claim that they’re his fault. Well actually, he initially said that it was our fault, but corrected himself right after. At first I thought he was joking, I figured he had a sick and dark sense of humor. However, I must admit that he has never looked so distraught as he did this evening. In fact, last night was the worst I had ever seen him. That’s why even though it was a bit after 11pm and I had been close to falling asleep, I ultimately let him in. After all, Nolan had been quite persistent and had knocked for several minutes. I wonder if he saw when I first looked out of the peephole, but maybe not. Anyhow after he continually knocked on my door I eventually let him in. The look on his face had made me wonder if he had just lost someone close to him. He hadn’t shaved in what looked like over a week and his eyes had an empty and lost look. He asked if he could stay for a bit and just talk. And while I originally felt uncomfortable with the idea I decided to open up a bottle of wine, which later turned into two and a half bottles and we sat for hours just talking about life. He somehow managed to look even more handsome than he did the night we went to Central Park. Last night his dark eyes and hair had completely mesmerized and captured me. It was like he could do no wrong and it even seemed as though he could sense that as well. I could tell that he needed someone to comfort him and after we had finished drinking the wine I offered him my bed. On some level I knew what could happen but I also felt that he couldn’t be alone last night. Despite how attractive he had started to look as the night progressed, he still looked incredibly dejected. I worried about his safety, but not my own. So after I offered my bed to him, he stayed over. Having Nolan in my bed was surprisingly familiar. There had been a connection or maybe it was just the wine, but either way we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. After being intimate with Nolan, he turned to me and said that he needed to tell me something. He said that he had been holding on to this information for over a week and couldn’t find anyone he felt that he could trust enough to share it with. And strangely enough I felt so connected to him that at this point I felt that there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t handle him sharing with me. So I told him how I felt and he asked me if I had heard of the recent murders in the city. He mentioned that he had seen the stories in the newspaper and that a few people in the building had been talking about them as well. And even though I wasn’t the type to always stay up to date on every current event, it was hard not to know about the recent murders committed by members of the homeless community. The city was filled with people who had been talking about the murders to the point that no bubble I could have lived in would have prevented me from knowing of those murders. In every incident, the accused had been stating that they were innocent and had no recollection of what they were being accused of. So I asked Nolan why he felt that he needed to share this information with me and that’s when he stated that it was our fault, followed by him correcting himself and stating that he meant that it was his fault. For what felt like the majority of the night he continually expressed to me that the murders were his fault. Yet when I asked him how, he wouldn’t say. I am not sure if the alcohol had been getting to him or if he was just tired, but Nolan shut down. He no longer spoke but instead just stared at the ceiling until we both fell asleep.
It’s now been two days since Nolan has stayed over and I just received a text that he wants to stay over tonight. It’s hard to forget what we did but even harder to let go of what he said about being connected to those murders. How it is possible? Tonight I will get more information. I need to know what he meant by the murders being his fault.
Photograph by Alexandr Vasilyev