A Dose of Big Mike – Part One
2:27 PM. I’m at work. Big Mike calls me.
Me: What’s up, baby boy?
Big Mike: Dude. I was at Kroger at like noon today looking for lube, right?
Me: You can’t start with that. Say hello or something.
Big Mike: I was in the aisle with all the lotions and the girly stuff looking for lube and this hot chick was there and I was kind of behind her. She kept looking back at me like she thought I was staring at her ass.
Me: Were you staring at her ass?
Big Mike: Yeah, but I was mainly looking for lube. Anyways, I can’t find it and this guy that works there tells me they keep it up front in the line by the candy bars. I thought that was a weird place to keep lube, but I got in line and I saw it. There was a lot of people in line. This is a weekday around noon and I’m thinking, “Don’t these people have jobs?”
Me: You’ve been unemployed for a year.
Big Mike: Look, dude. They should have jobs. So there’s all these people, and I didn’t want them to see me grab the lube with nothing else, so I went to grab a beer.
Me: You can’t only buy lube.
Big Mike: Right. So I grab a big Foster’s and get back in line. There were a bunch of different lubes so I was looking through them trying to find the cheapest one. I picked the Kroger brand, and I can tell the lady behind the counter knows what’s up. She sees the beer and the lube and she looks at me like she’s disgusted. Like I was gonna head home and slam down a Foster’s and go to town on myself.
Me: Which is what you did.
Big Mike: Yeah, but if she would have seen me buy condoms she wouldn’t have cared.
Me: Because lube implies you’re sad and alone.
Big Mike: Right.
Me: And buying beer at noon implies more of the same.
Big Mike: Buying beer at noon is awesome.
more by S.P. REILLY
photograph by Jay Mantri